This is part ll of my conversation with Tatiana Bischack. I hope you enjoy.
TRIGGER WARNING (NSFW); Episode contains explicit content including but not limited to, sexual assault, rape, abuse, self harm, suicidal tendencies, mental illness, and discussions against white supremacy.
What does this all signify? We talk about heavy shit on this podcast, but that doesn't mean we endorse any of it. The creators, myself included, have dealt with traumatic experiences. We use this platform to share stories in the hopes of helping others currently going through the hard shit of life. If you don't have the emotional availability to listen to this episode, please don't. But if you do, please recognize that the more we talk about this shit, these issues, the more we can change and better the world around us, one person's story at a time.
Thanks for listening and as always, thank you for giving a fuck.
Happy Impulse ™ Unfiltered was created, produced, and is hosted by Roberta Hall (and special guests)
This episodes guest is Tatiana Bischak. She's a designer, color master,
Happy Impulse—aka Roberta Hall—is an artist, political activist, and hell-raiser from the United States. Her art focuses on the satirical and subversive, bringing vivid colors and pop-culture to her dark humor.
Happy Impulse Unfiltered podcast is a no-bullshit, only anarchy approach to today's issues. Because global warming sucks, weed is lit, mental health should be celebrated, LBGTQ+ rights are human rights, and so much more.
Bi-weekly, I and other creatives give their outlooks and opinions on society's bullshit. The more we talk about this shit, these issues, the more we can improve the world around us. If you give a f**k, this show is for you!
Fuck being silent. Give sound to your strength.
This podcast shares Happy Impulses ethos it gives creators a platform to share their stories with the world.
You can find more from on Happy Impulse on
Website/Store - https://happyimpulse.com
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/happyimpulse/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/happyimpulsecreative
Twitter - https://twitter.com/HappyImpulse
Pinterist - https://www.pinterest.com/happyimpulse/
Dribbble - https://dribbble.com/HappyImpulse
Behance - https://www.behance.net/happyimpulse
You can find more about Tatiana Bischak at
https://instagram.com/darumacreative
Co - Produced and Edited by Frederick Gautier (https://frederickgautier.com)
Music provided by Epidemic Sound (https://www.epidemicsound.com)
“Dubweed” intro music by Dream Valley Music (https://www.shockwave-sound.com/artist/dream-valley-music)
**Episode 4 Part ll — DRAFT**
They had this thing where they said there isn't, there's no such thing as good and bad. There's just things they're just tools and how they sculpt you as an individual. And there's nothing more dangerous than a little bit of truth mixed with a little bit. lies
[00:00:32] hi everyone. And thank you so much for listening in. I am Roberta, the illustrator behind happy impulse and this. It's happy impulse, unfiltered, a bi-weekly podcast, where we talk about the bullshit happening in our society. And I create art about it because the more we talk about the shit, these issues.
[00:00:52] The more we can change and better the world around us. This is part two of my conversation with Tatiana. If you miss part one, please go back and listen to that episode first. So you know, what the fuck is going on in this conversation and believe me, you want to know what the fuck is going on in this conversation.
[00:01:09] So welcome to happy, impose unfiltered, and as always. Thank you for giving a fuck.
[00:01:24] Basically the reason I'm so vocal about the inequality in our industry towards women designers. Like right now, dribble knows this and they're fine with it. They're working on a fixed, but they're not doing anything to address this currently with the standard search on, in dribble, there are 20 listed results for men, three results for studios, and one result for a female.
[00:01:51] And you get those very similar ratios when you make any sort of search on dribble. And Michael Sacca knows that. And he's not doing anything. He's letting billing cycles go by when it's very clear that it is way more likely men will show up in search terms than women. And he is accepting money from female creatives knowing full God damn well for coming up on a year that the dribble search terms turns out fewer women than men.
[00:02:25] And when. Last year. I was nearly last year. I was suicidal several times. I'll tell you why. Because up until November, I made $8,000. I couldn't support myself and I couldn't contribute. So my, my partner and I buying a house so I could be together with him. And I haven't seen him. I haven't seen him, but over a year, as I have a swatch laying in my bed, Every night I hold it and cry.
[00:02:57] Before I go to sleep.
[00:03:01] I can't contribute to the house fund because I haven't done making money because last year it was so goddamn tough. And Michael Sacca doesn't want to make sure women show up 50% as much as men. Fuck. I'll take 45%. 5% of the search results are women. Are you kidding me. I got, I got one, one design job after the last year and it was a thousand dollars.
[00:03:36] I think I paid about 120 to dribbble for a, like the $20 a month. And then I paid $60 for a year subscription for a dribble pro. And he can't make sure more than one woman doesn't show up in the fucking sample search. There's not even terms entered on that. You're right. We need to, we need to talk about these things because if we don't talk about it, it doesn't change.
[00:04:00] And I'm being, I ch I go on Twitter, I'll get really better. And then I remember that I have to. Give people the benefit of the doubt. If you've noticed I've been tweeting, friendly reminders, that's literally me saying things in a kind way that hopefully helps some people instead of me screaming them in an unkind way.
[00:04:19] Um, I definitely think like Instagram has a racist conversation that I'm like, damn you Instagram. Okay. Instagram. Oh my God. I've gotten to the point where I'm like, so I get so bitter being like cooped up by myself that went. I have the sh shake to send feedback turned on and Instagram. So every time I hit their goddamn shopping app, which I will die before using I shake it and let them know how much I hate the new redesign and that they're in there.
[00:04:51] A design team is an actual joke and I do that a lot and I would encourage anyone to do the same thing because they use the dark pattern. A disgusting dark pattern on people during one of the worst years of our lives. And they did not see any sort of retribution for that at all. They replaced where we tap for our, our endorphin rush of notifications and they put the shopping app there that's disgusting and they should be fucking embarrassed.
[00:05:23] I was in this room on club house. This man was talking about sexual assault. He had said. Something along the lines of the best way to teach your boys, not to rape is to not allow them to be raped. He said, it's a huge part of it because the thing is with stopping sexual abuse, of course not always an option.
[00:05:43] It's the fact that it's trauma that ends up perpetuating PR and it perpetuates other violence. So what will happen is that a young man is Melissa when he's younger by another man. And so then when he grows up. He cannot be close in close contact with other men because he doesn't feel secure in his manhood.
[00:06:06] Part of that was taken from them. So therefore, maybe he causes a hate crime to happen against gay males because of his trauma that he hasn't healed with because we live in a society who doesn't let our children heal or have conversations about these things. When they're young, when they do need to heal.
[00:06:27] So they could be trapped in a trauma cycle. I know that you and I talk a lot about mental health and it's, I think everyone should go to therapy and I hate that therapy is a luxury. And so I wish in schools, they would make children actually go to therapy and have people train. And the teachers train and child psychology, and everyone has to learn psychology or learn.
[00:06:56] These things about yourselves so that you can help other people because humans, humans need to be taught, of course not how to rape. And that's a horrible thing. Children need to be protected at all costs. They also don't feel safe coming forward to talk about it. We've never made a safe space for children to say, this has happened to me without the parent panicking.
[00:07:18] And then the child thinking they've done something wrong. This has always been one part that's always, I've always struggled with and like the thinking of how people work and tick. Well, your brain doesn't stop fully developing until you're 25 or so. That is correct when we're in certain age, parts of our lives, you know, we think the world revolves around ourselves and that's our fault because it's just that it's how our brains are taught.
[00:07:42] And so I'm, I don't know what a space for children would look like where they felt safe saying that because children are kind of brainwashed into think that brainwash, but we're very susceptible to think that. Our parents, our world, and this is normal and everything's fine. We're kind of like gas lit into our own existence.
[00:08:03] Definitely. It's mostly that we have to be aware of our emotions. We have to allow our children to express whatever emotions they're feeling. And men young men are taught anger. So they're taught to be aggressive and forceful, and if they don't get what they want to keep fighting for it and keep going for, and they're taught that young.
[00:08:23] Because that's how their fathers are raised or that's how their mothers were raised because masculinity and the young women are taught that you're allowed to cry and you're allowed to have some of these emotions, but you can't get angry. You can not get pushy. You can not have these aggressive feelings, even if you do have them.
[00:08:43] But if you do have them channel them into sports, the men are going to get picked before you. Because they're stronger and then they're tougher. And so it's putting everyone into a box that we need to reeducate people on having emotional availability and to be present in our pain because what our society has taught us based off media and things like that is we need to start drinking because, Oh my gosh, something has happened to me.
[00:09:13] I've only been taught how to numb. I've been taught to watch TV. I've been taught to push it down because I'm going to be drinking or I'm going to be smoking weed, or I'm going to get into drugs, or I'm going to get into pornography because hyper-sexualization, and I'm going to be addicted to things because I don't want to deal or sit with my pain.
[00:09:33] And so what that looks like is. Completely changing what the media is and being willing to sit with what we're going through and not push it down because by pushing it down, especially at that young age, and like you said, we don't finish developing until we're 25. Maybe it gives us a fighting chance that those young boys who are attacked or those young women who are attacked, don't think that their worthiness is sexual.
[00:10:03] Maybe it gives our society a fighting chance that, Hey, I don't want our society to be raising the next shooters or raising people who think aggressive action or force of the answer. I want to have children that think consent is the sexiest thing in the world. I want our world to change because we've understood that we talked about these problems because we're all feeling the same shit.
[00:10:31] And that if you and I met a lifetime ago, based off how you're raised, you'd probably hate me and vice versa because we'd have completely different ideals, but you and I have evolved past that because we were willing to, and that is, what's so beautiful about this conversation. That is, what's so beautiful about you sharing with me and talking with me and having this.
[00:10:53] Vulnerable moment with me because our children don't have these with each other, that religious concept that you're going to fake, goodness, then you'll be accepted by the church. And it spreads to a lot of different aspects of life. Cause like fake the goodness, fake the goodness. And you can't, you're just, that was one thing about that stupid religion.
[00:11:18] They had this thing where they said there isn't. There's no such thing as good and bad. There's just things they're just tools and how they sculpt you as an individual. And there's nothing more dangerous than a little bit of truth mixed with a little bit Alize, which is, I'd say that religion, but that kind of gave me a different perspective on things.
[00:11:41] Where it wasn't, it was a religion that taught you that things were going to get hard, that your children would probably be murdered in front of you, that you would die for your God. But what they were really looking for was the people who were willing to long suffer to forgive and to love ironically, and.
[00:12:00] They wanted the fruits of the spirits to develop out of the people that were in this religion as they went through suffering. And I think that kind of mentality actually did prepare me for going through a lot of trauma because. I was always looking at as like, what was this trying to teach me? What was God trying to teach me through this pain?
[00:12:18] I think that prepped my brain for realizing that the only way to end this toxic horrible system, that's just rehashing of people's sexually assaulting each other is to just talk about it. Make sure everyone involved is included in the conversation and thought about as a human and not a monster, realizing that these, all these things need to go back to a root problem that needs to be really addressed.
[00:12:49] No more symptom. Handling where it's like, how many rape test kits can we do that way? When you do have anomalies, we do have the resources to help those individuals. And we don't have the necessarily the most perfect system may. We'll probably never have the most perfect system. It would be so nice if we could get the rape test kids down to like half of that, you know?
[00:13:12] What I would like to do maybe one day, you and I team up on an illustration or a few illustrations where whatever money we make off those, we donate it for people for a rape test. That'd be wonderful. I'd like that. I know that we're only two people, but the most good that we can do, that'd be really neat.
[00:13:29] I, I know you've heard a lot of stories from other women about sexual assault and it's weird how your own. Experience with sexual assault. You're like, yeah, it wasn't. There was a thing that happened to me. It was cool. But if you hear someone that you care about or someone who's younger than you getting a sexual assault, you're like, Oh, I want to kill someone.
[00:13:48] Where's my knife. And I remember finding out a friend's little baby sister got raped by a man. I remember learning that my friend in high school had been told to lay still. It'll be over soon. I remember. My friend describing what it was like to have her father take her virginity. And I get nauseous. When I see men in this industry who have platforms not giving a fucking shit about equality, because it starts there.
[00:14:21] We need to be seen as equal. Because we are, and we need to be given equal representation. So when people say to me, Oh, you know, it's, it's fine. Like women have a pretty well, you're just being over-sensitive no, I'm not actually I've seen some shit, a bed through some shit. I've heard some shit. We're not fine.
[00:14:40] We're not okay. I'm so sick of people like sweeping it under the rug, like pretending to be good. It's not working. And if we need to be embarrassingly honest, and I want to talk about, um, James Martin Berbick, he had seen a sexist comment and something that he was working on and he had of course called it out.
[00:15:01] And he had commented to me, um, when we were messaging back and forth, he had said that he just, he, he hates men sometimes. And he says, there's so many bad, like men out there. And I said, yes, But I know a lot of good men who are fighting the good fight too. I know he's fighting the good fight and we have so many friends who are fighting the good fight and the more that we can lift them as like the standard and call them out more in cheer them on and champion them because we know that other men will probably listen to them more.
[00:15:38] The more others will recognize that, Hey, I just made a joke and it was sexist. And I had another man, call me out on it. And like you were saying earlier with racism, we can call out women or other individuals who are white when they are having, when they're being jackasses, because we do have that privilege.
[00:16:00] We don't get to arrest and the men who are good, don't get to rest either. Yeah. We have to fight for them too, because there is a sexism towards men. There is that they are denied so much of what it means to be human, to be beautiful, to be emotional, to cry, to dance, to sing, to create art that isn't masculine too.
[00:16:22] There's so much we deny men because we tell them that invalidates them as a human. I can't imagine what I would do if I could cry after what I'd been through. If you could cry, but you were told you weren't allowed to talk about it at all. Cause I know that you and I are talking about it, but even as women, when we experience things like that, we sometimes choose not to talk about it.
[00:16:45] Women are supposed to have that mentality. That I'm fine. That everything is fine, even when it's not, because that's how our parents were raised. And men who suffer, they're told they're not allowed to show it either. Hm. I hadn't thought what you said before about the, the boys who raped me and getting molested.
[00:17:07] I don't know much about Rudy. I don't didn't know too much about Lucas, but it never occurred to me that way. And I always thought I always wrote it off as the hyper-masculinity that they're forced into, where women are kind of seen as these objects that you obtain. And it it's, it's weird because the human brain is odd.
[00:17:27] It can recognize people as human, but simultaneously not. So, you know, they're human, but at the same time, your brain wants to tell you that it's not the same human as you are. And that applies across the board for like LGBTQ, uh, people of color women, all of that. I think that's how kind of racism manifests and people don't miss it.
[00:17:49] Like they don't see it happening cause they're like, yeah, that that's a person. Are you kidding me? That's a person. But their brain miss something. And they don't see it, you know, it's something to do with kind of the gravity of the amount. So the world has a lot of loss and a lot of heartbreak, but you don't feel it unless it's within like your core group or within like the 10 closest people to you.
[00:18:11] And it's because if we had to consume it all emotionally destroy us. Oh, absolutely. It's almost that selfish altruism that you were talking about earlier. We want to fight for them. We want to know them on a deeper level. We do, but we also need to be emotionally available for that. And if we're not emotionally available, and that's why I checked in with you earlier, because if you're not emotionally available to have these comments.
[00:18:40] So part of the goal of the podcast is of course, that diving deeper, we're having the harder conversations we're talking about. These things that people don't talk about on podcasts, they talk about. Create a podcast. They do talk about design, but they don't dive into like some of the world goings on. And as creatives, we have such a platform where we can change.
[00:19:00] We can have more diversity in our creativity. We can have more unbiased solutions. Like we can create some of the solutions to the problems in the world. We can only do that by acknowledging that they are there. If you aren't an emotionally. Ready then it's not my place to ask you to have these conversations, because this is also a place of healing for you and I, a little bit, selfishly, we are talking about this for our healing, but we're also talking to those who are suffering with these same things who maybe you need to be like, Hey, these people have experienced these traumas, these heartbreaks, and they still create any way.
[00:19:37] They still choose to believe that there's good in the world. They still fight, even though they're insecure. And even though they have these vulnerabilities and thank you for having this emotional space with me, of course. Thank you for inviting me to add onto the designer thing. I think that what it means to be a designer, when you look at the world and you look at it as systems that need to be set up.
[00:20:01] That are scalable and inclusive, long lasting, sustainable kind. You, we look at these systems, we have to build whether brand identity, or if you're building a website, you're building an application, you're building any sort of experience for another human. We have to look at the world in the same way. We have to look at it.
[00:20:21] Yeah. Systems in the same way, like everything from public transport to, um, healthcare systems to. Hugh who we are down to the core of humans in our life philosophies. And I think that that sets us up in a position to really have these conversations. You were talking about dribble earlier on your little ramp and dribble.
[00:20:43] We do love you. We do. And by having this conversation. By putting it out there, you are giving them a chance to correct this bias. I have called them out multiple times on Twitter, privately and publicly, and they still have not addressed it. So sure. Giving them another chance. Let's do it again. I'm waiting for someone else to like, actually give a shit instead of just me.
[00:21:08] It's not just you, like, it's all a ripple effect. Everyone's kind of given up. Yeah. Everyone's kind of deleting dribbles. Cause it's they're, they're frustrated and I don't blame them anyway. Yeah, go on. I hate it. That mean Instagram were not always friends made treble or not always friends Facebook, so, so, and social media.
[00:21:29] But if I give up, if I delete the good I'm trying to do, then whoever did see it, that might be able to also be inspired. Yes, fighting for gay rights, fighting the patriarchy, fighting capitalism, fighting all these things. I know that we're all exhausted, but we cannot stop fighting because the second we stop fighting, we're giving consent to it happen.
[00:21:58] Mm. I don't know if I have a plan to dribble a portfolio site, but I do see where it is slightly applicable. It would be more, the only reason I can probably apply it, you do more political stuff is because I post my shit. You're drawing my plant. Like this is my Chinese money plants. I paid $25 for it. And it was $25.
[00:22:20] I shouldn't have spent, but I got my steady and I was feeling lucky. I'm doing illustrations about. Society, right. Maybe, maybe I'm just a little bit different. Okay. It's a lovely plan, but you know what, you know, what you making that art brought you joy and it probably brought other people joy who loved plants and you know, what the world needs that cute.
[00:22:45] Uh, it was more, I needed it because I needed something to, just to be, not have specific purpose. Cause I've been designing with purpose for so long. Where it's like, whether I need to represent a certain individual represent a certain feeling or an idea, it was just nice to exist and draw a guide to implant and that's perfectly okay.
[00:23:04] Yeah. And that in it, that in itself had its purpose. The purpose of that illustration was to relax and it, and it's serving its purpose fantastically. I'm so happy with it. Exactly. So I know that we need to wrap up soon. So I'm going to ask you, who would you leave flowers for? What I'm saying is people who've positively impacted your life.
[00:23:25] Maybe you don't talk to them as much, but they've done something in their life that has uplifted you or encouraged you or kept pushing you forward. Maybe it's another woman, maybe it's people who stood up with their morals without having to rely on religion or different things like that. But anyone who.
[00:23:46] You kind of want to give a little nod to I'd leave a flower for my, uh, father. My father is, um, although he has his own prejudice that he's contending with and has changed for the better from many friends is a lot of growth left to do. Um, one thing that he has never faltered in is being kind that that was really important, that that seemed my father being kind to strangers, no matter who they were.
[00:24:16] If he's had the flat tire on the side of the road, if they were stuck in a ditch, it was a little old lady trying to get the thing off the top shelf. And he's six, four presence walks over and pulls it down for her. You wouldn't never turn away from helping someone like that. That, that stuck with me. I like to thank Kate.
[00:24:32] No Bay is a Canadian illustrator and designer. He was the one who. Reached out to me after I was raped and time, and I didn't have a community Hayden obey. And I told them this multiple times, so he knows he's his, he goes all, all sorts of pampered, but he reached out on Skillshare to me, a student in one of his classes.
[00:24:57] And I was, I met with him and when he found out I was so alone and isolated, he actually set up a Slack group for me too. Safely talking. He had no idea what trauma was and he didn't know me from Adam, but he set up a safe space where I could interact with people. And from there I blossomed and grew to the point where I, I talk to new people daily.
[00:25:19] That's a big thank you to hate no Bay. Uh, I'd like to thank hope Mang. She is a letter. She showed me what a feminist is. I was taught that feminists were bad. Hope showed me just. Normal feminist herself. And it was wonderful. And I was, I, I felt after talking with her, I felt comfortable to call myself a feminist.
[00:25:42] And it, I don't think she knows that I called her high as a shit one night, the other night, she doesn't know I was high, but, uh, I was on her. I was at her website and you're shocked, but I was like, I got to buy some of this stuff. And then it was like call for customer support. I was like, I bet this goes to her cell phone.
[00:25:58] She's a one man band and I tapped it. It did. And I left her a voicemail and I was like, I am so proud to be your contemporary,
[00:26:15] but I like, that's just something that's really been like humming in my brain lately is just how proud I am to be so many people's contemporary. Like, I'm your contemporary, you're my contemporary we're contemporaries. We're artists at the same time. If we make an art books, they'll be like touching on a pushback was a contemporary of Roberta.
[00:26:39] And why am I blanking on your last name? Happy the impulse. Cool. Like I've been wanting to do a piece for a while. Um, that just says honored to be your contemporary. I think you should do it. I, I w I want to, I'm going to have to, but there's so many incredible people in this design world across the spectrum, men, women, non binary, incredible humans out there.
[00:27:02] And, uh, so fucking lucky. So what you're saying right now, it encourages me a lot because earlier we were talking about the shitstorm of life and how people are bad. So. You're giving, you're sharing your story and it's giving other people hope. Maybe that you'll never meet. Maybe that you'll never talk to.
[00:27:23] Who knows? Maybe you will talk to them. Maybe they'll reach out and say, thank you. No sh shoot me a damn Instagram or emails are great too. DMS are probably an ARD emails will probably get emailed back to you. You're giving flowers to people who have that you are carrying in your heart with you because you know that they're doing good in the world and that you recognize.
[00:27:44] Even though earlier, you said that you feel insecure about it, that you also carry that hope in the world, because you just said you're a contemporary, which means you and I are still fighting the good fight, even if it's hard and you're fighting the good fight with those other creatives as well. And I love that.
[00:28:04] I. Believe people are inherently good. I believe that everyone is good. I do. I think we fuck up. I think we get broken. I think we become so damaged maybe sometimes beyond repair, but even then we still have inherent value that can't be denied. And that gives me hope. It's exhausting some days, because then you have to hold yourself back from actually nailing somebody on Twitter because they're wrong.
[00:28:30] You kind of do because they're human. That's where they're at with that thought. And maybe you could gently say something that might go with them in the right direction, but telling them to go jump off a cliff and that they shouldn't procreate is probably not the best method, but I, I definitely have my moments where I can say those.
[00:28:47] Hopefully you don't, it's not, yeah. It's not helping the situation. And that's that, that contending with the anger my mother has passed on to me is something I struggle with. Daily. That's why self care is so important, but you find it, you fight it, you recognize the anger and some people never get to that point.
[00:29:08] Yeah. Yeah. And that gives me, I never would have without Scott, Scott has been here. I gave a lot of shit to men in this conversation, but I would be a lot of nowhere without a lot of guys. Um, Scott has. I cannot express in words how much my partner has done for me. Um, emotionally and psychologically with who I am as a person and how he like sat me down.
[00:29:36] Like, like you're a partner. He sounds like a lot, like your partner, like sitting you down and be like, I'm willing to look through your fuck ups. Cause I see value in you. And I see the great potential of you and you just kinda sit there, like, what are you talking? Who hurts you? I think you're the broken one, apparently because of that.
[00:29:54] Oh, I'm going to measure your worth by what you do. And our partners who are healthy and regular people well adjusted well adjusted. They're like, yeah, I know that you make all of this great illustration work. I'm so proud of you, but because I know it can happen. If I encourage your ego, I'm going to let you know you don't impress me because no, no, you don't impress me because I'm not going to value based off your work.
[00:30:21] I value you as the person. Oh, I was a little nervous. I was like, Oh man, I'm going to hold that ego in check. But yeah, that's, that's fair at Scott. Scott does pamper me with a little bit of love and I need that because I'm too. Oh, no, she does too, but it's, I have to be like, I wake up at like 3:00 AM and I'm like, do you like this color?
[00:30:42] Or do you like the illustration in this color? And she's like, I have to wake up into, Oh my God. You had Scott as a partner, he would find some way to smother you into a consciousness. Cause he would be so tired of not, not wanting to deal with your books. He would just be like, Nope, Nope. Oh no, I would. I just like put it in his face.
[00:31:04] Like I've definitely woken her up. And I'm like had my computer like really bright screen, like taking it right next to her face. I'm like this for this one, I'm struggling on an illustration right now. And I'm like, I. Do not she's asleep. Don't ask her, don't ask her what you're saying about the people you give flowers for.
[00:31:24] I'm glad that you still see good in the world, even though you completely have the opportunity to see the world as a shit place and that it's not going to get any better. I think the world will get better. I may not be in my lifetime. I can make my corner of the world better. And hopefully that will spread and I can let people know that this is, this is how I live.
[00:31:47] And I think it would be mutually beneficial if we live the same way. I'm not being a missionary or anything, but potentially if you would like to collaborate on this thing called life, where we work for each other's benefit and then like, you know, maybe, maybe make it to like, 80 years old, having accomplished some sort of good that we can look back on.
[00:32:08] That would be great. I don't know. It would take for the world to change. I just know that this is a concept that I've seen reflected in other people. And that gives me hope. I see it reflected in you. I don't, yeah, we didn't know each other from Adam. We, we talked briefly. I mean, I think I shared your art a while back and you probably like sharing my art.
[00:32:29] And that's something I do. That's how I talk to people, oddly enough, because it's like this people feel obligated to talk to me then, and I'm just like, Hey, how's it going? I hope you're well, feel free to hit me up if you're willing a chat. And they're just like, what the fuck was that? And that we're talking and you have the same philosophy where you're looking at the people that have caused harm to you.
[00:32:50] And you're like, I'm sh I'm stronger now. And I can see that you're not the scary, bad guy. I thought you were. You're the fucked up person that needs help. I keep coming back to this understanding. And one of my previous episodes, I talk about that even though we're the hero in our own stories, where the villain and someone else's.
[00:33:15] The villain. I hope I'm, uh, I'm trying to think. Who would I cherish being the villain of someone's story and, and that that's another good place to be, but like, Hmm. I know I'm not gonna say their name though, because I'm not going to outweigh. Absolutely. Can't stand in the design industry. We'll just leave it at that.
[00:33:34] So, one thing I want to say before I asked my next question is. Earlier you had mentioned that this year was particularly hard and that you had meeting 20th, meaning 2020. It feels like 20, 20 and 2021 or like the same year. So I, I just, I don't understand time anymore. I apologize. Well, the past year, year and a half at this university, I mean, it's past it.
[00:34:01] It's just, anyway. It's you had mentioned that you were had suicidal tendencies and I, I definitely feel you there. So I just want to say thank you for still fighting. Anyway. Thank you. It was a lot of reckoning and realizing that I couldn't keep it up like this and it was a lot I'd denial, but this was, I was be fine trapped inside this house all by myself.
[00:34:24] And it wasn't. Accurate, some people didn't and that's, we lost a lot of folks last year. We did, but you're still here. You're still here. I'm still here. Look at us. We made it look at us. It's like, you know what that feeling is, you know, like when you're like playing one of those old school video games that you can't save and you've finally gotten to a really high level and like, you're extra twitchy because you just can't die now because you've made it so far.
[00:34:51] And it feels like you're a little paranoid about everything. It's just like, and then, you know, your twitchiness is going to get you killed. So you're just like, fuck, you gotta be more. But then you're, and then the twitchiness gets worse. Yep. And you're like, and it's just like, Oh my God. And you're like trying to like, not even get near bad guys anymore.
[00:35:08] And you're like jumping away. You're like, maybe I'm scared to even do the normal game because I'm going to fuck up and die. So it feels like an investment besides thank you. Could you share any insights or words of encouragement to those who may be struggling with some of the things that you've gone through, struggling with being sexual assault survivors, struggling with this unconscious bias that we have struggling with this abuse that you've overcome in a way where I know that it's naive of me to say that you've overcome that's shame on me.
[00:35:45] And I apologize, but no, no, no, no. I have the privilege of overcoming a lot of my abuse because I'm surrounded by really wonderful people who financially supported me and mentally emotionally supported me. No, I don't. I think you're fine saying that. Don't worry about that. But as far as my childhood understand that anger is people protecting what they're most scared of.
[00:36:09] And when people are angry, they think they've made the smartest move against you. In reality, that they've done is they've shown their full hand. They've shown what they are willing to get angry about, and that is their weakest point. So if someone gets angry at you, don't get scared. They've just revealed their hand.
[00:36:32] My mother is very angry. And I understand her more now and I see people are angry now. I understand them. It can be really embarrassing. What they're trying to hide. If you're talking about sexual assault, everyone's brain lies to them and tells them that it's their fault. It's not. It's your brain freaking out from being violated and it's trying to find some sort of way to heal.
[00:36:56] And that's not the way, I don't know exactly why it does that. But you ever think that it's your fault that you were sexually assaulted. That's a lie. Your brain is telling you and you should ignore it. Tell somebody and have them just tell you that you're not at fault. Do we have to, but it's not your fault.
[00:37:13] It's never your fault. It's not your fault. You have autonomy over your own body. We're talking about the suicidal stuff. You ever watched men black too. And there's that little dude inside of that guy's head. And he's like the leg of the he's like, it's just when he's dying and they take like the front half of his face off there's that really wrinkly little tiny alien.
[00:37:34] That's like Manning the body. Go do fun. Shit. Like just become like a water slide scientist, or you could eat 24 Krispy Kreme donuts. You can't do that. You can do literally anything. You could, you could go take a nap, go take it up, like, go do something. But you are that little tiny alien inside of that brain and that body.
[00:37:58] And, and if you're, if you're having a bad day or you could end it, but I mean, you never have another Krispy Kreme donut, and you might as well go have one. Might as well go do something fun and nice. And maybe, maybe it's not that I've heard anymore. You know, maybe they were out of fresh Krispy Kreme donuts.
[00:38:18] You got to wait for the next day. It may seem like a suicide is frivolous. When I say something like that. But your brains lying to you, it's hard to let your brain know that it's lying to you because it's your brain. That's doing it. If you get a chance, do self care, take care of yourself, let people know.
[00:38:36] You're worth staying you're worth being here for no matter what's happened. What you've done. Stay, please go get some Krispy Kreme donuts. They're really good. Cheesecake at least, but stay. So I would say trauma. Uh, isolation, you know, I actually, one thing I, one more thing I would say to women, yeah. Women, you need to reach out to people.
[00:38:58] More, lots of men feel really weird reaching out to you because they're afraid they'll come across as a little predatory, a little weird if they're like, Hey, let's talk. They think that, you know, they don't want you to think that they're hitting on you. So a lot of times it's women that need to reach out to guys.
[00:39:14] If you want to make the connections, if you want to get. Women talking in design. If you want to get on podcasts, if you want to get like women into certain things, we gotta be pushing ourselves out there because sometimes, uh, men mental understand things like such a large percentage of the population that don't know where the clutter assists, how the hell are they supposed to recognize feminine?
[00:39:34] Like any sort of sexism? Like it's a pretty obvious part of the body. And that that's a joke we joke about that. They don't know where the clutter is says how the hell it's a great part of the body as it is. It has more nerve endings in the penis. If you told the man that he blow his fucking mind, he'd be like, what?
[00:39:51] Something more sensitive than my Dick. Incredible. So put yourselves out there, talk to people, empower women around you. Don't be afraid to message people. If they ignore you, fuck them. That's fine. Move on. Talk to somebody else. They can message you because you won't ignore them. Because I only have so much, I only have so much brain power.
[00:40:13] I will tried very hard. There are people sitting in my DMS that I've been watching for like years. And I'm just like, I'm just, I'm just blessed. You still DM me and I'll open up eventually and I'll be like, hi, thank you for always caring. It's really hard to talk to everyone. And there's very like, I want to get down this path of people that are inspiring me.
[00:40:34] And I also want to help the people that are like I inspire, but it's hard. There's so many people that talk too. Do you ever get sad that you can't contain all the information about every single person that you met and cared about? That drives me insane. I know so many people in this industry who I adore and I am heartbroken.
[00:40:55] I can't remember their partner's name. And I, I, I feel obligated to, because. That that's important to them and it's important to me, but God damn it. I can't remember what I had for breakfast. I think that's okay. I think if they know that and they know that you try, I think that's all that matters. And you, you try, you show up, try very hard.
[00:41:15] What's in the future for you. Oh man. I am going to move to Ireland and Oh my God. Let me tell you. Um, after, after a year of John seeing my boyfriend hole, my fiance, I'm going to be so happy to just get him in a room and play call of duty. In person with no lag because of the distance. It's been a real pain because like it's like the, the audio won't be working or it's like, he gets kicked from a match.
[00:41:43] And I swear, like that's all I want is just to be able to get him into a room and really play call of duty without leg that's. Really what I want for the immediate future, but I will be moving to Ireland. I will be taking Scott's last name because hell yes, Tatiana tool. Are you kidding me? No longer bitch ass bitch act give me that Tatiana tool and I will be an advocate from Ireland alongside, um, another amazing American who has moved to Ireland.
[00:42:08] Oh my God. She started get start co uh, why am I blanking on her name? Kat noon. Inspirational female designer, who is an advocate for us. I love her. It took me a second. Like it took me a second. I was like sweet effect. No, I love her. Yeah. She just moved to Ireland. I'm so excited. I'm going to be like, hell yes, we're getting coffee.
[00:42:26] I was like, I have finally bothered her enough where she now follows me on Twitter. I'm like excellent. I'm gathering my 10 minutes allies around me. But yeah, I, I really, I really enjoy working with brands that want to improve the world with our products. So, um, I really like brands that are very positively based and happy.
[00:42:45] So I'll be hoping to working with more brands like that. Yeah. That's I guess for me, I don't know, not die, not die would be good. I mean, you will eventually, but I'm going to vote that it's when you're like really, really 189. I was thinking about it the other day. This is really bleak, but I think like the best time to die is like six years old and in a car accident, because I don't want to know what else Famers is like, because if you think about it, it, this is, uh, an idea that will haunt you for the rest of your life and anyone listening, choose what you want to go to first, your mind or your body, because one of them will.
[00:43:23] Chances are not both body body, definitely. Oh yeah. And then your mind is trapped inside of your drooling shell. No, I've thought about that. I want, cause I know my site's going to go and I know it just because life is cruel. Yeah. Looks cute with Coke bottle glasses. Honestly, I think that that's going to help your brand.
[00:43:44] So I thought about this. I was like, okay, if I get in, like, I just want my right hand tool function. And like, my part of my upper body does my left hand. I hope that it functions, but I can still illustrate with only one hand. That's possible. You can use teeth. Oh, we're going so dark. I'd probably like get the shakes and your publics.
[00:44:06] And you're like, you're going to have your Coke bottle and I draw on vector. So even if I get the shakes well, you're thinking about the time then that we'll still be doing like the cookie cookie or do you think it's going to be more immersive when we're working? Probably more immersive at that point?
[00:44:19] Damn. Yeah. Cause I'm thinking like. The iPad is going to, we're going to like, get something where we can like actually interact and like, maybe like in a 3d space, maybe. I mean, we're already getting there. Yeah. It's kind of, they've been trying to like pseudo do it where they cause it's funny because science fiction is inspired off of preexisting tech, but also new tech has kind of inspired off of science fiction.
[00:44:40] And it's interesting how that's feeding into like this whole like hologram computer. Back to the future situation. Yes. The hoverboard plot of bullshit thing we got for the hoverboard, you know, that like little, like lean forward and like take talkers, we're doing them. And then lighting, they would light on fire.
[00:44:59] And the more I talk, the older, I feel, so scientists also watch the geese shit that we like that artists like. So artists create different things and wear things that they want for the future. So we help design the future because we put ideas into the world. That other people look at them and they're like, Oh, well, you know, that's possible because they, they just have that knowledge and that.
[00:45:22] But anyway, so Tatiana, where can we find you on the web? You can find me hiding on Instagram. Yeah. instagram@dharmacreative.com or to Ruma crib. I don't know. I felt like people were mispronouncing it and then like, I actually heard Japanese people pronounce it Daruma and I was like, Oh no, I've culturally appropriated this doll and I pronounce it wrong.
[00:45:47] And I've been correcting people. Ah, however you pronounce it as correct, because it's your name in this world? Yeah, it's a name I picked because I was coming out of the mechanical engineering, which is incredibly sexist and I didn't want anyone like being sexist to me on Instagram. So that's the name? I picked Dharma creative.
[00:46:06] I mean, I thought happy and false got started. Cause I didn't want to be judged based off maleness gender. Yeah. I wanted people to like, they brought what they brought to it, you know? Yeah, Dharma crew, the bet, uh, Instagram, Twitter, it's D a R U M a creative. It's probably a profile bag of a profile picture of like half my head scoring a half shaved head because since I shaved half of my head, I only have one option for photos now when it's like edgy into the side.
[00:46:38] So that's probably me and yeah. Thank you for having me on. I had a blast. I feel very, uh, I don't feel tired, honestly, cause I was, I didn't lie. Well, I guess this is my time to wrap up. Thanks again for listening in it would be awesome if you took the time to subscribe and if you want to send me your thoughts to continue the conversation, you can email me@infoathappyimpulse.com.
[00:47:06] You can also find me on Instagram at happy impulse and as always. Thank you for giving a fuck and Tatiana. Of course. Thank you for giving a fuck. Thank you. And, uh, thanks for having me and thanks everyone. .